Even a good plan only works if you follow it;

The price I pay when I ignore the Wise Woman Within

 

Anne and I prepared for this journey with a good plan in hand. That’s not a bit surprising if you know us. We think of ourselves as smart and wise women who know how to think ahead, anticipate trouble, and brainstorm solutions. We pat ourselves on the back every time we reap the rewards of a good plan. Unfortunately we’re also human, and sometimes we ignore our own inner wisdom and end up suffering as a result. 

 

In this case I’m talking shoes. The single most obvious and fundamental choice everyone needs to make before walking the Camino is what to pack for their feet. That makes sense, after-all, we knew before leaving that we would be walking nearly two hundred miles. Neither of us had ever walked that far before. As intelligent women we could foresee that comfortable feet were essential for a successful journey, and so we both made a plan. 

 

I had a great plan, one that took into account comfort and all of my old running injuries. I’d recently bought a pair of large, cushioned running shoes, the newest rage for those of us who have put too many miles on our aging bodies and are beginning to pay the price. They made my feet feel like they were treading on a cloud, and my knees forget they were missing all their youthful cartilage. Unfortunately, large and bouncy as they were, they had exactly the opposite effect on my achilles heel and hamstrings. No problem. For that I had my cute little minimalist “barefoot” style shoes. These were like slipping my feet into comfy slippers. I could travel miles (down a carpeted hallway) and never feel a thing! I decided that I would take the big clunky pair that had befriended my knees, and the cute little “barefoot shoes” that made the rest of me smile. It seemed like a good idea to switch off during our lunch break each day. It was a great plan. Even now I believe it would have worked beautifully. Unfortunately my plan had a fatal flaw; It failed to take my vanity into account!

 

The day before we left, as I finished my packing list, I did what most self-respecting women do, I tried on my outfits. Anne called these “equipment checks”. Equipment checks are important; They are the final test in all great adventures. My equipment check surprised me. It revealed how completely unattractive my large, clunky, new running shoes looked with my cute little walking skirts! 

 

This is embarrassing, in fact, it’s hard to be honest and reveal just how embarrassing it can be to be me. 

 

You see, I learned early on in life that impression management is everything. Many times in my life I’ve put more energy into how I look, or how my life looks, than how I, or it, actually feels. I learned that even if my life was “going to hell in a hand-basket” no one would notice if I just dressed up the basket. 

 

The first time this became apparent was when I was a young woman. I had a good plan then too; I had married a man who shared my dreams and we planned to live out those dreams together forever. We looked and felt great. Then one day I woke up and realized that he wanted to change the master plan. I wasn’t a fan of my new reality, but I was still a fan of looking good. Our life spiraled towards years of stress that neither of us had ever seen coming. We lasted sixteen years in a marriage that “fit” worse than any pair of shoes ever could, and all the while I refused to listen to that small, wise voice inside me that just wanted to cry “Uncle”, for fear I would look like a failure. Somehow I didn’t understand that if it felt that bad it already was a failure; that things are what they are, not how they look. For those sixteen years I put my energy into appearances, and when the marriage with the best looking pansy beds on the block officially ended, everyone was stunned; “But you guys looked so perfect!” Yes, we did. I remember that one of the worst parts was feeling like I had let everyone else down; I still couldn’t recognize how awful it was to have let myself down.

 

So, as I prepared to leave for the Camino I again jettisoned a wise plan and let one of my character defects pack my bag. I put the bulky, ugly, padded shoes back in the closet and went for appearance only. In that moment I set up another opportunity to prove that my practice of impression management hurts me every time it hijacks my good sense and inner wisdom.  

 

On our very first day Anne and I walked over twenty-two miles in hot and humid conditions. Many of those miles covered hot asphalt streets and charming black cobblestone roads. I looked very cute in my walking skirt, and the dainty, minimalist slipper-like running shoes that had tested out so well on the carpet back home. Actually, I looked cute for the entire two hundred miles, but just like my experience in that ill-fitting marriage from so many years past, no-one could tell the effort it took to breathe, to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and to push forward in pain, on the rocky roads I faced each day. 

 

That’s the thing about abandoning wisdom when you really know better; there is always that moment of choice, “Should I or shouldn’t I?”

Should I move forward in this ill-suited relationship, or lose face and bail now? 

Should I tell the truth, or cover my tracks?

Should I take this drink, take this pill, binge on cookies, or feel my emptiness and ask for help?

Should I quit this job, this church, this friendship, this marriage, or soldier numbly on?

 

Inside me I know that voice of wisdom is always present and that it’s up to me to tune in. Some call it “God’s Will”. I call it the answer to the questions: “What would I do next if I wasn’t afraid? What is the path of greatest self care?” Actually, I think they’re the same thing. 

 

It’s helpful to know my weak spots, my Achilles heal, so I won’t be as likely to get caught off guard. I have a lot of them: Scarcity, pride, fear of abandonment, failure, but, even knowing them I still fall victim to them. I ignore the voice of the wise woman inside and forge ahead in my ego’s self-will. It’s amazing where “my own best thinking” lands me. Even before the Camino I knew the price I’d always paid for impression management, but like so many times in the past I thought if I ignored it, it wouldn’t find me. It did. At the very least, I learned that I couldn’t outrun my own feet!

 

The Camino reinforced for me that we all have a fearless, wise woman who lives deep within and knows intuitively our best course in every situation. Now I can appreciate that as long as I ignore her I will suffer.

 

Reflections

    So often I have tried to figure out what the next “right” step would be in matters as simple as where to spend a holiday, or as complex as whether to end a relationship. I have learned the hard way that God’s Will is usually as simple as the honest answer to two simple questions: “What would I do next if I wasn’t afraid?” and “What is the path of greatest self-care?”  On the Camino, as in life, it didn’t take long to pay the price for having made a decision out of fear, instead of being brave enough to listen to what my tummy already knew.

    

    1. Name a dilemma, large or small, that you are facing today.

    2.  Understanding that you do not need to do anything different at this point, fearlessly and honestly answer the questions: “What would I do in regards to this dilemma if I had no fear? What would be my path of greatest self-care?

    3.  Ask yourself why you would be afraid to move forward in this direction and, for now, simply invite your God to keep you company in that scary place.